I COULDN’T GET ON THE PLANE

This is one of my favorite weeks of the year. For the past several years during this week I travel to Atlanta for an amazing conference. As a children’s pastor it was the Orange Conference. Conveniently, as I changed roles to that of a senior pastor/church planter, the people that put on the Orange Conference started the ReThink Leadership Conference. It happens the same week and they even share some of the sessions. In doing this, they took something that I already loved and made it EVEN BETTER.

It was going to be great… until it wasn’t.

For most of my trips to Atlanta I have driven. It’s only about 7 hours or so from my home in Central Florida to the ATL. Besides if flew I would have to rent a car anyway. By time you add all that up, it’s just cheaper to drive. The plan this year was the same. Then a coworker told me about the great deals a certain airline was offering. That night I booked my flight. I was already excited to be doing to the conference, but now I was even more excited to be flying for the first time in several years.

It was going to be great… until it wasn’t.

As the day approached I became more and more excited. This was the first time I had flown since starting my struggles with anxiety. When that battle started the thought of flying was completely off limits. But, this time I was excited. Even as the days ticked by I was still excited. When I booked, I was good. When I talked with my roommate about it, I was good. Whenever I thought about it, I was good.

It was going to be great… until it wasn’t.

That changed the afternoon before my trip. I was doing good and was still excited. As I followed the many social media posts from people heading to the conference and arriving in Atlanta, I become more and more excited. Then someone posted a picture of the sky through the plane window. Just like that the anxiety that I had avoided all that time came rushing in. It nearly crushed me.

It was going to be great… until it wasn’t.

I can see myself sitting there on the love seat next to my wife. I’m certain she had no idea, but I was suddenly freaking out on the inside… and it didn’t end there. Throughout the rest of that evening, off and on I would feel anxious, then I would be ok. As I went to bed the anxiety built. For an hour or more I lay there thinking of the plane, as my anxiety grew.

It was supposed to be great… but now it wasn’t.

I prayed. I took deep breaths. I told myself that God was sending me to this conference and He would keep me safe. I thought back to how excited I was when I booked the flight. I thought back to previous flights that I had actually enjoyed. An hour passed, and even with all this going on, my anxiety grew.

It was supposed to be great…. but now it wasn’t.

After an hour of this I got out of bed and started to pace. My family was asleep.My wonderful wife, such a great source of strength for me, had no idea I was suffering so. I began to think back to the time I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. In this moment I was beginning to feel that same way. I could feel myself escalating towards that. I simply couldn’t allow myself to go there.

It was supposed to be great… but now it wasn’t.

I kept seeing myself strapped into the seat on the plane, unable to get up, unable to move around, and worse of all… unable to leave.

I felt so STUPID.

This ticket was paid for.

What were people going to think.

What was my wife going to think.

What was my friend and roommate going to think.

It was supposed to be great… but now it wasn’t.

I couldn’t get on the plane.

After all this, that was the bottom line. I COULDN’T GET ON THE PLANE.

Finally, I woke my wife. Times like this she is so much stronger than me. She would probably deny it, but it’s true. She wrapped her arms around me and I nearly lost control. How I wanted to just cry.

I felt so STUPID.

What was my wife thinking about me?

What were other people going to think.

It was supposed to be great… but now it wasn’t.

Ultimately, it didn’t matter what people might think. I COULDN’T GET ON THE PLANE. So I decided to drive. Yup. By this time it’s after 10:00 at night. I’ve been up since 5:00 that morning and I’m going to drive to Atlanta, by myself. My wife cried, afraid for my safety. I needed to go to this conference, but I COULDN’T GET ON THE PLANE.

It was supposed to be great… and I think it’s going to be.

As I type this I sit at a table outside the conference site. I’m enjoying some great and FREE coffee. I made it to Atlanta safely. I arrived around 6:00 this morning. Took a quick nap and a shower and got to the conference site a little after 8:00. Guess what:

It was supposed to be great… so far it has been.

Year after year God has spoken to me at this conference. I can’t wait to see what He has to say to me this year. I never would have thought that I would have started by week of blogging from the conference with a post like this, but here it is.

Stay tuned as I share my thoughts the great things that I’m trusting God to speak to me this week.

 

This post is one part of an ongoing conversation about my battle with anxiety. If you suffer from anxiety, would like to better understand a loved one who does, or just want to travel this journey with me click on the ANXIETY category to see a full list of all those posts.


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2 thoughts on “I COULDN’T GET ON THE PLANE

    • I don’t think that people who have not experienced it CAN understand. Until I experienced it I didn’t understand. That’s why I share, in hopes that others who have felt it will know that they are not alone and will be encouraged.

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